Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thinking Upon These Things. . .

No secret, life's been tough lately.

Andrew leaving. My twenty-two year old son, Kris, settling into Oregon and getting married next month. His sweet fiancee moving from my house back to Colorado to prepare for the wedding...all within a few days.

Who knew how much this stuff would hurt? Let me tell you, it sure does. And all the avoidance methods I've worked so many years to perfect aren't strong enough to hold back the pain. Crap (and by "crap" I really mean the other word).

Denial - pretending I don't care - nope. I do care.
Distraction - TV, books, hot baths, sleep, excessive use of Mafia Wars, and the like - nope. Just not fun enough or important enough.
Drunkenness - let's see...well, since around 1989, that's lost its appeal. Thankfully, I can enjoy a glass of wine or two, but the total obliteration of getting wasted is not an option.

So that kind of leaves another "D": Dealing with it.

This is really no fun, but I don't see a way around it. As a Christian, I know I need to "turn to God". What does this look like? I mean what, exactly, does that entail?

Most of us will say, "Pray, and read the Bible". That is a standard reply. But does it work? When we pray, does He answer? What kind of help is it to pray, really? What practical help in relieving my intense psychic and emotional pain is to be found in the Bible?

Well, for the past many years, I probably wouldn't be able to answer that. Even though I've been with Him for twenty years, the last...umm...ten, maybe, I've been angry and resentful and bitter. God hasn't done what I wanted Him to do. I had big plans for what He'd do through me - the ministry I thought He had for me. When it didn't pan out the way I thought it should, I got pissed.

At first, it was just around the edges. A root of doubt - a whisper - planted in my heart. "Did God really say He loves you? Then why didn't He help you with this? Why didn't He save you from that? That doesn't seem loving at all, does it?"

And that awful root, un-dealt with, grew larger and stronger, like some crazy kudzu wrapping itself around my heart trying to kill the Life in me. Every disappointment, every perceived "failure" on God's part only fed the nasty vine. My prayer life withered and almost completely died. My time in the Word - ditto.

These two activities used to literally be my life-lines. I hungered to spend time with God every morning. It fed me, kept me stronger than Wheaties ever could! Losing this very nearly killed me, I'm realizing. I can't explain what it's like, that connection - but it's real, and good, and necessary.

So now, just as I'm recognizing this massive black hole in me, along come more "challenges" to my weakly fluttering faith. And the temptation is to once again, get angry at God for not making things go the way I sincerely think they should.

But I am not God. I do not know the whole story. Frankly, I don't need to or want to. And that's the truth.

How do I combat the temptations to doubt Him? I don't have that totally figured out. That's what church and Therapist Lisa, and Manager Kimi, and my Gorgeous Son, Kris and my Awesome Daughter, Kelsey are for. They are helping me pull my eyes off the things I can't have. They are helping me fix my eyes on what I do have. Like a friend to walk in the park with. Like a therapist who prays for me, like a sweet son who likes to spend time with me, just talking, and a daughter who will rub my feet and yell at the little kids when I am too worn down to.

I also have some really fine memories of my life this far. The kids that have come through my homes ('cause we've moved a lot), times spent at gymnastics meets and football games, reading to the kids and praying with them before bedtime, camping in the rain at the beach, Awesome Daughter Kesley making Thanksgiving dinner when she was fifteen because My Precious Boy Kameron and I were in ICU - again! I have so many many things to be grateful for.

And I am.


  1. Kathy,
    Thank you for this post -- and for your honesty. My own prayer life is in the pits these days, and I can feel the disconnect in all the other areas of my life.

    I thought I would share this post from my blog. It's related to what you're talking about today:

    Peace and blessings,

  2. shoot I am finally seeing as a humen being mom and it kills me to se you struggle... mom I do though love you and now that you will somehow get through... I know that you probably don't want to hear those words but it is true... life is bittersweet mom... it has it's ups and downs... everything happens for a reason?? I am pretty sure I have heard this from you many times and most likely will many times in the future... the Lord makes us go through the tough times for a porpose mom... it hell going through them mom and are also painful... but you have to realize and never forget that this is the closest that you will ever get to hell... you have something to look forward to... someplace that is longing for you... a place that is really your home... our home... thank you mom! thank you for showing me what is really means to be a Christian... you never ever had and will surgar coat the reality of things... but just the way you word your thoughts and opinions I am seeing through you that there is hope in this world... especailly hope for me! Thank you mom... thank you so much for helping get my life back... I am hoping I can help you somehow too... you're more than just a mom to me, but a friend... I know that you don't want to be my friend... but you are not an average typical friend... you actually look out for me and have my back... allot of people in the world don't do that for their so called friends... people do love you mom... I do :) <3

  3. What a great story! I have a hard time with this too. I get stressed easily and never turn to God. I've got to get better at that.

    Everything will be okay, sweetie!